Perfectly Imperfect

Since publishing my first blog post a few days ago, I’ve felt anxious and somewhat overwhelmed about my next-to-be post. No, let’s be honest. Not only my next post, but my whole blog site. In a span of 24 hours, I went from announcing to the world, quite boldly I might add, that I intended to live wholehearted and brave, to feeling stressed and not so brave about any of it.

As I maneuvered around what was supposed to be an “easy” set up, the more I realized that I don’t know much at all about the technical language of the internet and the blogging world. Frustration took over. The more I thought about my limitations and inadequacies about creating my blog, my art and my life, the bigger they became in my mind. Not only that, those thoughts spilled over and flooded every other area of my day. My day became full of sighs, moans and groans and thoughts of “look what I have to do that I don’t know how to do,” instead of embracing those moments with wholeheartedness and courage.

I became anxious; my vision for my dreams blurred and I temporarily lost my enthusiasm and curiosity for the process of creating something new and unknown. I procrastinated on every level and made myself busy with excuses and random tasks rather than face the hard work of living and creating my so-called dreams. I became completely frozen and started to rationalize the idea that these challenges suggested that my work and ideas were not good enough to share with the world. In reality, it came down to me not having it all wrapped up in a pretty little package. It sounds pretty petty, huh? I wanted it perfect and I wanted it perfect now.

If I had only taken a moment to stop and look me in the face, I would have clearly seen that for the most part, I was my biggest limitation. It shouldn’t have been about being good enough or not good enough. It should have been about my intention of living wholeheartedly, opening up and leaning in to the experience and challenges at hand and having the courage to walk through them in spite of myself. I am reminded of a phrase that a former boss of mine used quite frequently when discussing challenges. He replaced the word challenge with the phrase opportunity for growth. I really like that phrase and mindset, and have made it a practice in my personal life….except for this week.

I forgot to have compassion for myself. I forgot to let go of who I think I’m “supposed” to be and just be perfectly imperfect me! I forgot to live in the moment, to breathe deep, and to love the necessary work. Ahhh, yes, LOVE the necessary work. In a world where we are wired for instant gratification, sometimes that one is tough. I forgot that it’s ok to not know everything in one day or, for that matter, ever. I forgot the beauty of now. I forgot baby steps. I forgot that imperfection also comes with many gifts.

Yes, I do want a pretty blog/website with buttons, whistles, and bells that I can manage and create without endless hours of reading and watching tutorials. And yes, I want to crank out great, meaningful pieces of art with skill and mastery. And yes, I want my writing to convey my thoughts eloquently and I want to be, you know, “there” now. I want to be in that happy place where I have it all figured out and it’s second nature instead of feeling like I’m swimming in circles.

Fortunately for me, I’ve never been much of a party girl. I can’t even hold out when it comes to my own pity party.  So I’m back on track, experiencing the good days and the opportunities-for-growth days and celebrating both. I’m choosing to live the ordinary moments with enthusiasm.

When I slow down and reflect on what my bigger vision really is, it has little to do with painting pretty pictures or creating a pretty blog. It has to do with my deeper desire to live with courage, compassion, and connection with myself and with the people of the world. It’s about finding inspiration and learning from each person I meet. It’s about expanding beyond my own fears and preconceived perceptions. It’s about inspiring others to explore their brave and creative dreams. It’s about being perfectly imperfect.